Lucky

9/21/2022

I haven't written anything that I've liked enough to post in a really long time because it's a lot harder for me to find the desire to do so, or to have ideas of what to write about when I'm happier- and I have been very happy for a while now. Which is exciting and cool and fun. I’ve been doing a lot of loving and forgiving and making peace with things that I never really thought I would. I'm sitting here in my bed reading through some old drafted things I wrote at the beginning of the year and I can't believe how overwhelming those feelings, and that nostalgia, and that longing once was for me. It is so far distant from my current reality that it's hard to believe that it really wasn't that long ago that I was so consumed by it all. I feel like every time I've tried to convince myself that the echo of my old life was beginning to disappear has been a lie up until this point. I no longer hear the phone ringing and have to decide whether or not to pick up the call. I no longer visit the cemetery and stand over the headstone with tears in my eyes over what once was. The nostalgia has finally started to fade.

I'm smart enough to realize I'm not lucky, but blessed. I can't begin to count how many happy tears my steering wheel has seen me cry, or how many creases my shoes have gotten from tippy toed hugs, or how many layers of sunburn from Florida's summer that I've earned in the past few months. Things have been really good, and even though it's much harder for me to know what to write about when I feel this way, I'm working on recognizing it more, and attempting to capture this feeling the way I do others.

Anyways! There's not really much else to say, I'm just grateful, and I love September and I love the direction that things are headed and I love all of this and I hope it sticks around. I have so much to look forward to in the upcoming months and I'm really excited about it all. I'll be spending the next few weeks sleeping in tents next to all of my best friends, and roaming the streets of my favorite beach town, and trying to articulate how thankful I am and how blessed I feel. Cliche! (as always).